I showed him my bush... on skype.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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