Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
