Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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