plz talk dirty to me
literally had 100 drinks last night.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
