I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I want to be your penis for a week.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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