ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Randomize
