I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
