I'm drive I can fine osifer
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
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