we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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