it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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