All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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