I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Randomize
