I'd wear matching sweaters with you
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
