I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
