Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
