I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
