Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
