Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
sarcasm needs its own font
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
We just shotgunned beers for America
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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