hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
