So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize