my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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