Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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