the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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