After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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