As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
