We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
