hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Randomize
