Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
