I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Randomize
