I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
