Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize