I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
