there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
