Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
