My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
