You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
So many bounce houses so little time
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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