im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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