He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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