i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Randomize
