1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I deserve this hangover.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize