i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize