hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize