Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
sarcasm needs its own font
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
