i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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