Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
