I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
