Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Randomize
