you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
