I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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