theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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