I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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