So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
