So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
