so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
