I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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