My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
