I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
