I don't remember. Are we still dating?
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
