So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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