I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
