I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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