I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
