Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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