My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
