If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
