i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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