why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
